


Hey, You Dummy

by Naomi_I



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-11 12:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7051918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naomi_I/pseuds/Naomi_I
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As if Kim Donghyuk had been born especially for me, I seemed to not be able of loving someone else who wasn't that kid. There is no Kim Jiwon without Kim Donghyuk. And yet, the door has been closed once again and one more time I was standing on the wrong side all alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Hey, you dummy!

2014.10.07

 

The sun was already up in the sky and my eyes were still open, just like seven hours earlier. I wasn't sad or even angry about my break up with Donghyuk, and if you ask me, I will say that I overcame this ugly situation pretty well. Yet, I am likely to go completely insane every time I see him walking up and down with someone else by his side.

And maybe the worst part isn't anything other than to realize that he doesn't do this to trigger some kind of jealousy inside me, since the bothered eyes on his face when he had seen me, were really clear to me.  This is the real hateful part.

And as a consequence, the only thing I could do when once again I bumped into him was to roll my eyes at the sight of how ridiculous and even absurd a circumstance like that one was. Just as if it were some kind of joke. Korea isn't even that small for Donghyuk and I to happen to be in the same place at the same time.

Honestly, since our break up I had been seeing him more than when we were happily dating. Maybe life wanted to show me how fine he was without me, how he wasn’t struggling just as much as me.

We weren't even going to places where we used to hang out together, because as hard as it was to admit, I was way too heartbroken to see him smiling with another boy and still keep it cool. So, I really went through the struggle of always thinking what are the chances for Donghyuk to be in this or that place before I get out of home, all this due to my need of avoiding him. However, sometimes it seemed like fate was in Jinhwan hyung and Hanbin’s hand seeing that Donghyuk, no matter how much I tried, always ended up appearing in front of me.

Those two started bugging me way before something actually existed between me and him. Then they became more annoying when Donghyuk and I were an official couple because now we could go on double dates and those gay stuff. But when our break up came, they ended up being hurt too, since they just had lost their favorite companions to hang out with. So yes, even if I could live without Donghyuk those two couldn't. "Don't worry, we will fix this." they would always repeat as if they were dating us.

  


_—Didn't you hear what I just said? –I asked without taking my eyes from the cellphone on my hands. —I don't have any interest in taking his innocence. I am sorry for your friend, hyung, I really am, but this kinda stuff you can't ask. –I scoffed and laughed before reading Junhoe's reply._

_—For God's sake Jiwon! –Jinhwan protested seeming a little bit annoyed. —How many times do I have to repeat? It isn’t like that, he doesn’t need you to…_

_—If this wasn't the case, you wouldn't have to sell him like you are doing right now. –I replied. —You know how those ‘I can’t get a boyfriend’ people are. They are not my style._

_—Can you at least look at us when we are talking to you? –I would have said ‘no, I can’t’, but it was clear that Hanbin wasn’t far away from being really pissed off._

 

_And if I am allowed to say, I should be the mad one here, since all this has been going on for almost two weeks. Yes, more than twelve days of my friends trying to make me go on a blind date and me giving them the same answer. If this Donghyuk guy was a worthy case, I guess he wouldn't need all Jinhwan's good words or all this insistence. I mean, he wouldn't need all the advertisement that hyung was doing._

_Well, I know that I am a kind-heart person and I am always in the mood to help the needy ones, however this kind of charity didn't work with me.  They keep saying that he and I are soulmates, that he has a strong personality, but less bitter than June's which I will love. If I was totally honest I don't want to be related with anyone who has even one little detail similar with Koo Junhoe, because this kid, seriously he isn’t normal._

_Oh, and let's not forget that this Donghyuk is as awesome and amazing as I am. Seriously to say stuff like that this hyung's friend must be really a hopeless case._

_This ask for a favor was all about pretty words, too-good-to-be-true_ _compliments and pity eyes, so, obviously I couldn't believe one third of what they were saying. Because first of all, if he truly was at least half as amazing as Hanbin said or dying handsome as hyung swore he was, this boy probably wouldn't be forever alone waiting for his friends to find him an enchanted Prince. Without mentioning that appealing to his best friend's boyfriend's friend just shows how dead line is his situation. I don’t have to be a genius to realize that I should run in the other direction._

 _And second, they aren't saying good things just about Donghyuk. They always put together  some nonsenses t_ _o say like ‘because you are boyfriend material’, ‘we know he would never get hurt with you, because you are so gentle’. Tell me if that isn't fishy._

 

 _—Are you hearing at least one word that we are saying?! –Hanbin frowned at me._ _—Turn off this cellphone!_

_—If you don't mind I am having a serious discussion with Junhoe. –I was hoping that seeing my furious fingers above the keyboard, typing as if my life depended on that, would be enough for him to notice how important the matter was. —If I take too long to reply it means that I lost. So excuse me._

 

 _Hanbin pulled the phone from my hands an_ _d didn't even ask if he could read my messages before he did it. Then turned his attention to me again with a aggressive express_ _ion._

 

 _—Seriously, Jiwon?! Fighting over this lame question? They are arguing about what came_ _first, the chicken or the egg. –He explained to Jinhwan when the mentioned one gave him a confused look.  —I thought you had already passed this phase, since you supposedly aren’t a five year old anymore._

_—Stop acting as if you were my dad. –I took back my cellphone without worrying about explaining myself to him or Jinhwan who was judging me intensely.  —And my final answer is no and no._

_—He is pretty nice, and handsome Jiwon, it’s worth trying. I just really wanted him to date some of Hanbin’s friends. This way we can have all the same friends. –Hyung didn't give up, just like the past days, and I was so tired of this. —We all could hang out and spend more time together._

_—Oh-ho, stop right there! –I said trying to understand the real meaning behind his words, because he couldn’t be fucking serious. It was such nonsense. —Do you want to pass more time together? Is it not enough the almost ten hours we all spend doing nothing? –If I had to spend more time with the lovey-dovey couple I would easily freak out. —If this is just to kinda add him to the group, just bring him and be done. For god's sake, I don't need to make out with him or even be in a relationship. We can all just be friends, Jesus._

  


Thinking about how everything started, I couldn't help but want to punch Kim Jinhwan and Kim Hanbin’s stupid faces. Donghyuk and I could have been only friends, I don't see the problem in this scenario. As long as I remember if wasn't for them I would never realized or even accepted my feelings for Donghyuk.

In other words, at least I wouldn't be as messed up as I am right now. However, of course, I didn’t have the choice of being only friends with him, not according to those two who can't butt out of other people’s business. And now, once again there were they sticking their ugly noses where they weren't welcomed.

I mean, I already had cut any ties with him and acknowledged a life without him. A sad and colorless life where I can't call him with any lame excuse to spend the day in bed cuddling or abuse those soft and sweet lips.

I already had got used with the idea of my pillow without his natural scent; without any nagging about my wardrobe that lacked things he could wear. The missing toothbrush beside mine, my lonely slippers near the front door occupying the place where two pairs used to be, the sticky note on my forehead saying he had to go back home early, the struggle in saying simple words like _I love you_.  I was getting used to a life where Kim Donghyuk don’t exist. And that was the lie I was getting used to repeating every single morning when the frustration hits me hard.

In days like these I normally wake up missing him like crazy, feeling the hole in my heart growing and growing, sucking everything in and leaving me more empty. Meanwhile Donghyuk was just so far away, never looking back or having to take some time from feeling miserable, from asking if by any chance I was hurt as much as him. Exactly as I have being doing this past year. He was so far away that even if I had the strength to fight him, I still wouldn’t be able to catch up. He was in another chapter already **.**

And those friends of mine who are supposed to be helping me get up, clearly they weren’t doing this job well, never missing the chance to put Donghyuk’s name in the middle of any matter **.** Betting that I will miss him and go after him, but fuck all this shit! It is so obvious that I miss everything we had and regret everything we couldn't had enough time to do. Hanbin and Jinhwan hyung must be dumber than I thought they were, because the fact that they don't notice this, is seriously ridiculous **.**

I didn’t just let him go, I really didn't, I actually tried everything I could think of, but of course I didn't see the need of spread through the world everything about my sad, and not too lovely life. How I was heartlessly dumped by text or how many times I already tried to get back together, even if it had a cold and painful end like this.

Fuck that day when I was fooled by Hanbin and hyung’s _fall for Kim Donghyuk_ sick plan **.**

My love for him really made me a weaker person. That kind of person who spends all day in bed crying their emotions out, who always brings everyone’s good mood down. And the ones that know me can’t even recognize this non-bright person who I became. Maybe I can’t be me without Donghyuk or maybe he took me with him and left this soulless body behind.

And, yes, I can be kind of a drama king. However after staring at the two empty ice cream containers on the floor and the other five in the corner from last week I realized that even if it was just drama, I couldn’t keep going through my days this way.

With a lot of effort, I was able to throw the blankets away, and feel the cold of winter in contact with my warm skin. It wasn’t pleasurable, but in some way it helped my body create a force to go look for some clothes. It took me a few minutes until I finally managed to get up and only when a freezing wind blew through the window did I hurry to put something on to protect me from the low temperature.

I crossed the living room straight to the exit and when I was about to walk through the door, something made me stop right there near the kitchen, where my eyes reached the coffee machine without any special thoughts. The coffee machine which in other days, past days, would be filled up with a bitter and black coffee spreading the smell all around the apartment.

I shook my head trying to ignore any kind of memories that would make my stomach sick. So I went out locking the door as soon as I was on the other side.

I pushed the button calling the elevator while my vision was focus in staring at the red light number indicating that it was leaving 4th floor and – thankfully – going up. I just had to wait until it reached the 11th floor. However I never had the patience to wait for it. The difference now is that I wasn’t in the mood for taking the stairs. Due to this I remained there kind of in my own world, thinking whatever and waiting for the door’s _plin_ when it opens.

But with all these come and go of thoughts about nothing and everything, I started to realize something. That empty coffee machine was Donghyuk’s. It belongs to him. **_How had I forgot about that?_** I swore immediately, looking for the key in my pocket **,** so that I could put into the door lock again and spin it.

I entered and put the machine inside a bag, just to leave again.

With normal steps, not thinking too much about which way I should go, I was already out of the building with the white snow on my sneakers accumulating here and there on the pavement and car’s rooftop.  I looked up to sky, paying attention to the snowflakes falling down more and more every second, turning my black hair into white. So I cleaned it with my hands before pulling the hood up in order to protect my ears too **.** It was freezing.

 

~*~

 

My body somehow was yearning to see Donghyuk’s face, despite the pain from every second when we bump into each other, when I stay still thinking that he is not mine anymore, when he gets uncomfortable trying to act like I was not there. Despite all this I miss him. I want to see him. Provoke a fight so I can touch him to calm him down and hear his voice cracking from jitters. I want to do so many things with this little boy called Kim Donghyuk.

I didn’t even take an instant to think if I should call him before simply appearing on his front door. I was so used to just showing up and getting a smile from him for the surprise, to just use the key he gave me and make myself at home. And there was one problem with surprising him. He could be with someone and not be so alone like I was hoping, if that were the case I would certainly lose my cool. It was is freaking frustrating to imagine another human being touching him, touching something that should be mine.

Along the way I kicked some rocks, I was kind of angry, and I couldn’t help myself from kicking even harder when I spotted his house. Wishing the rock was able to get through the upper window. I took a deep breath and tried to chill out while walking down the hallway. And it was so silly all the goose bumps I was having by the thought of him so close to me.

I pressed the bell and waited uneasy as never before.

After all, maybe, it wouldn't be all bad if his new boyfriend popped up here. In the best scenario I could perhaps knock him with the coffee machine. It would be at least kind of funny **.** I gave a slight laugh by myself until I heard the low sound that the door handle was making. I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t control my heart inside my chest. And without giving me time to cool off, the door opened. He was standing there alone with a sleepy face. He rubbed his eyes showing he had just woken up.

He was able to sleep well, I envied him for it.

 

—If you came here again, just because you are drunk, I swear...

—I am not drunk. –I cut him off. It hurts my pride that he remembers all the times I showed up here after binge drinking all night.  —I just came to give it back. –I handed him the plastic bag.

—This isn't mine. –He had a confused look on his face —Must be someone’s from your one night stand. –The boy took a deep breathe, after throwing the machine at me, trying to say don’t begin with the shouting this early in the morning. Nothing that the neighbors were not used to by now.

—Oh, hell, no! Don’t start with that again!

—So, let’s get to the point, why are you here again with a lame excuse? –He crossed his arms waiting for my answer.

—I just came here to give this damn coffee machine back.

—I am sure that if it was mine, I would know.

 

He was so cold. I don’t really mean _he_ , but his eyes, his facial expression, everything was just cold. Maybe, just like me, he was not the same from before our break up anymore. Maybe he was struggling as much as I was and maybe it would be easier if I knew what changed since he made my life upside down. It has to become easier or I don’t know how I will be able to endure. Why don’t you tell me what happened, Donggu?

 

—Wanna know something? –I stared at him. –Yeah, you are right, I don't care about this stupid coffee machine! I am here to fuckin see you, is that too hard to understand?

—If you want the truth, yes, it is kinda hard to understand. Just like you seem to not understand what a break up means. –His voice was powerful and I felt really small.

—Don't be like this.

—Be like what? Like I am tired of you showing up here as if nothing has changed? –He frowned at me. With a sincere voice putting a lot of effort to convince me about how unnecessary this fight is. —It has been almost a year already, why can't you just move on?

—Exactly! –I almost shouted out. —It has been almost more than a damn year now and I didn't get a decent explanation yet. –The words left my lips and I could swear that he shivered for a second after I said that. —And don't come with that bullshit about jealousy again. You know too well that I would never look at someone else. –His accusation about this always pissed me off.

—Where do you think you are going? –He stopped me with his hands on my chest. Yes, I was shameless trying to get inside.

 

Inside his house, not his pants, yet. One step at time.

 

—I am freezing out here, don’t you see this? –I took one more step, closing some of the centimeters between us, making him back off a little. —Or you don't want me to come in because you have guest?

—I am alone.

—Uh, kinda early to joke around, isn’t it? Because, you know, Kim Donghyuk is never alone.

 

Was I provoking him? Oh hell yes, even without a good reason, I really was. I was acting as was feeling on the inside and let’s just be honest, I was never too rational when Donghyuk is the issue. So I looked into his eyes with confidence, daring him to keep going with the beginning of discussion.

I was expecting that at least he would take a step aside and let me come in so we could have our fight in somewhere warm. I was really expecting some kind-hearted attitude like that but instead he blocked the way and crossed his arms again making the usual stubborn face.

 

—Yes, I am alone whether you believe it or not. –His eyes were colder than the snow or the wind behind me. —You made it up, that _Kim Donghyuk is never alone_ you made it up. I always took this as a joke but maybe you never trusted me. Whatever. –As if he couldn’t bear my presence there anymore he looked far away from my eyes. —But, yeah, I never gave you any reason to not trust me. But it's okay, I don’t care about it, I am too tired of all this to actually care.

 

Those words, just like that _I don’t give a shit about it_ gaze, seemed to be so rehearsed. Like he said it in front of a mirror, over and over again, until it was at least a little realistic, but maybe the thousand times he repeated that lie wasn't enough. There was something off. I didn't know if I was just being paranoid or if that strange feeling inside me was right. That boy with empty eyes who didn’t worry if those meaningless words would hurt me or not, definitively wasn’t Kim Donghyuk.

 

—Why are you doing this? –I gasped. We were so crazy in love even after all the shit we had been through. When did he give up?

—Doing what, for Goodness’s sake, Jiwon? –He was trying to hold himself together but ended up yelling, probably losing it due to my persistence.

—Why do you keep lying? –For the first time I didn’t struggle to say something. This was the question I was dying to ask. —What is so hard to tell me?

—Are you insane, Kim Jiwon? You’re being delusional. –With that high pitch it was actually kind of difficult to tell if he was really questioning my sanity or just trying to hide his lies again. —Why would I lie about anything? You should...

—Oh, just fuck your rehearsed speeches! –My hand slammed the wall near him without me even knowing. I gave up on trying to having a nice discussion. —I just want the truth, Donghyuk, only this! I don’t care if you lied all this time you already made it really clear that nothing will go back to what it was before. So just stop all this and tell me everything I should know. At least this once, don’t hide what you think I can’t handle!

 

I could see his eyes begin to shine where perhaps tears were taking control. This discussion would get so much tougher if, in any way, he just broke down in front of me.  Still I was determined to put him against the wall for however long was necessary, even if I had never been able to endure any situation with that crying face of his. I wouldn’t back down. I deserve those answers.

Because knowing _why_ it would bring closure. I will be able to understand and truly accept it.  I was betting all my cards on this. I just can’t keep going on like this.

 

—I don’t know what you’re talking about and I think it’s time for you to go. –He said with a shrug and trembling voice. —Just fucking go, hyung. –Suddenly his appearance was just weak. He didn’t have the pink on his cheeks nor seemed to be alright. And that _hyung_ was his way to beg me to leave him alone.

—Fuck you, Donghyuk! Fuck you! –I was so mad that my anger wanted to leave my body in any way even if it was by tears. I could feel everything inside me burning up as I tried to keep the crying part for later. —I wanna know the truth of why you keep our ring here-

 

As a result of my low patience and sickness of him acting like an asshole, I pulled off his necklace from that pale and cold neck. In those few seconds I saw him gaze at me in disbelief with a sign of pain mixed in his eyes. He was speechless and part of me was feeling like shit since a red mark was left on his skin. But that hidden ring, now between my fingers, is really something. I absolutely need to know what that meant.

 

—Why do you keep our ring hidden here? Why couldn’t you throw it away yet? Why do you keep asking about me here and there? Why are you asking for our friends to take care of me as if you can’t? Are you going somewhere?

—I… I am just… –His lips were trembling while he struggled to get the words out.

—Why do you still care about me when you broke me like this? What was the point of doing all this?

—We broke up, what is the point of discussing all this? Just get through it, Jiwon. It has been almost a year already. As you said, nothing will change if I tell you something more. Why are you trying so hard? Is it so hard to just leave things like they are?

 

I closed my eyes, trying to soften the pain on my heart. Nothing will change even with his teary eyes and his shivered body asking to be held tightly looking for some kind of comfort. There wasn't any sign of him changing his mind about anything. And watching him cry takes out that little strength that I still have somewhere inside me. The flame that makes me get through the endless days.

 

—Because maybe every word I said all this time after our break up was just bullshit? Because maybe I was lying to myself and the world when I kept repeat that I could keep going like this? Because maybe sometimes it hurts like hell to the point where I think I'll die? I can give you a thousand reasons why whenever I see you. I will keep harping on about it. –I made him look at me. —But the main one is, how do you expect me to live well without you, you dummy? –I spoke with all the sincerity I could put in those words. However when I saw him shaking his head saying a silent and simple “no”, my heart that wasn't even fixed yet seemed to break all over again.

  
The door has been closed and one more time I was standing on the wrong side all alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

2014.10.07

 

On my way back home I was not paying attention to the snow on sidewalk or the people running right and left, attempting to run away from the storm that was clearly coming. I was kind of off myself, trying to understand how a simply devolution turned into another tentative of reconciliation hidden by the shadows of another discussion **.**

If he had at least wasted one second to give me an explanation of why he dumped me like he did, maybe I could formulate one speech with words that could actually save me. However the only thing that I knew about this sudden mood change was what was written in the message he sent me two nights after Christmas.  

 

 

**_D_ ** **_♡_ ** **_nggu_ ** **_♡_ ** **_:_ **

_2013.12.26 - 22:57_

 

_"It'll be better if we stop us here. And the only way for this to work is if we don’t see each other anymore because I know you’ll end up saying things you don't want to and you know that I am the same when it’s up to this. Believe me, it's for the best.”_

 

This was all that he told me. Just this.  None explanation or anything like this which would give some reason for this sudden _break up_. It is even hard to call it by this term. And this entire story about being a jealous boy is bullshit. Nothing but a big and fat bullshit. And it makes me so much angrier he was not being able to tell me the real reason behind all this. Because I’m absolutely sure that my new sad life here has nothing to do with this lame excuse.

He was simply gone. With no other words beside those ones, he left me alone. And at the beginning I tried to call, slammed on his door, even slept outside his house waiting for some kind of attention. But it seemed that he truly was not giving a shit about anything related to me or us. So I gave up not only on him but on me too because I was even hard to think of a life without him, it just did not feels possible to me. Of course I kept living, breathing, and eating, but my meaning for doing all this was missing since that moment.

Remembering him disappearing behind that door, I lost the interest to drown my sorrows in another container of ice cream. Actually I doubted a little if I still had tears inside me seeing that I was a little dead and feeling empty. One time I really loved him so now that I cannot do it, I do not know what to do with this kind of feeling. Today I just want to be left in peace with no thought of Kim Donghyuk.

I looked to the plastic bag in my hand and it was inevitable to not be angrier. Thanks to that stupid and actually really ugly coffee machine once again I was leaving that house as miserable as I could be. Next time that I think about having another discussion I will make sure to remember myself how it always ends really awful for me.

 

_“Hyung! Hyung!” I got up as I listened to Donghyuk’s footsteps and voice getting louder and louder **.**_

_“What do you want, kid? **”** I cleared my throat in annoyance considering that it was still early in the morning and he was yelling as if his life depended on it. He had the dorm’s key so he wouldn’t end up waking me up before 10 a.m._

_“Hyung, it's already 10:02 a.m., so technically you can't get mad at me for waking you up.” He crossed his arms leaning himself on the doorframe of my small room, while saying as if he could hear my thoughts._

_“If so, then come here next to hyung. –I laid down again and asked him to join me and sleep for five more minutes._

_“Just get up, Hyung!” He grunted loudly hitting his foot on the wood floor._

****

_He was being stubborn, just as always._

_“Donggu~ya” I yawned with a deep breathe. “What do you want from me, kid?”_

_“Come see what I_ _brought_ _for you!” He smiled at me and I unconsciously smiled back. Love him is so easy-going. “And come quickly!”_

_He spoke up louder and left without waiting for me since he never has to worry about me not following him.  He is always sure that I will be right behind him when he says so. And he is never wrong._

_I put my arms around his waist and hugged him as possessively as he was able to stand. It had been almost a week since I saw him last Friday as result of me choosing to date a kid who has university entrance exam to take and a mother who does not give him the chance to fool around and skip some preparatory classes._

_My cold body missed his warm skin. My smell was incomplete without his perfume that always gets stuck on my clothes when he hugs me back. I was missing him in every damn possible way. So I did not miss the opportunity to rest my head on his shoulder and leave a sweet kiss near his left ear. And being able to feel him having_ goosebumps _with just that little touch, it made me proud. I bet he was in need of my touch just as much as I was desiring him. It was a shame that Koo Junhoe was there passed out on my couch._

 

_“How long this dead body has been here.” He turned his head and pointed to June’s almost lifeless body._

_“He’s skipping some preparatory classes. He said he’s already ready for the exam, but his mom can’t stop nagging at him if he goes home early and it’s driving him crazy. So he comes to hide here.” I explained without caring too much. “Maybe I shouldn’t cover up for him.” I thought again._

_“No. You definitely shouldn't support those bad actions.”  He pointed out and dragged me by the arm to the balcony. “I brought you a coffee machine to keep your addiction going on.” I smiled at him but I wa not sure about where he wanted to get with that. I actually was a little bit confused **.** “Now when you want to have some coffee you won't have to go out and be _ _surrounded_ _by people who don’t understand the meaning of the ring on your finger.”_

 

 

This make sense. Those kind of memories just make sense to me in some way that this sudden break up would never make. No matter what way I look at it or how hard I try to accept it. It is wrong in so many simple ways that trying to quietly agree with this craziness is nothing but impossible. Thinking of him is like striking a match and burning an endless angry feeling inside me. I really just cannot control myself. It is like my brain is not able to send any _calm down_ message before I had already done some shit. And due to this I threw the damn machine at the first damn dumpster I saw.

I tried to go back home but just from looking pretty quickly at the dark gates, I got some goosebumps through all my body and my stomach felt sick. After all, Donghyuk still remained in every piece of that apartment. And this pissed me the fuck off. There were so many memories which that apartment could narrate. So many memories that were still alive there, and in a day as nostalgic as today, I was not able to close my eyes from them.

In this case I did not have much choice. I just continued walking through the freezing sidewalks from Daejeon and ended up in front of Donghyuk’s house again. It seems like no matter how many ways I follow, in the end, my feet always take me there. I stopped there for a while and stared at his closed window wishing that he was locked inside his dark room regretting every stupid decision he made.

 

_“_ Why the hell am I here again?” I sighed heavily asking myself and feeling quite stupid. _“_ Why am I torturing myself like this?” Even I could not understand.

 

Wondering the same question he had asked me, what is wrong with me that is this hard to just move on? I ran my hand through my hair and down my face trying to bring back some sense to my actions, because lately I was just pushing myself deeper and deeper into this hole. It is so freaking annoying and kind of scary. So, while my mind was consumed with thoughts of how much I hate Donghyuk I took a minute to decide, truly, what to do with my life. In some way I was kind of tired too.

 

~*~

 

“Omo, what an unexpected surprise!” Jinhwan spoke up really surprised as he saw me standing there.

“Good morning, Hyung!” I tried something like a smile.  “Is Hanbin here?”

“It’s his house, it’d be kinda awkward if he wasn’t.” He grinned. “C’mon, come in.”

“Just forget what I said. My brain’s kinda bugged today.” More than normal, actually.

“Kim Jiwon?” I heard my name being called as soon as I stepped in the kitchen. “I thought you were already in decomposition locked inside your room.”

“You are such a sweet person, Koo Junhoe.” I faced him with a bored expression **.** “Just so you know, I was pretty good these last few days, okay?”

“Your face, your clothes and your hair don’t seem to agree.” Hanbin made that observation in such a good mood that I felt a little darker.  “So, what happened now?”

“Just make me laugh, I feel like I just really need this.” This and Donghyuk, but let’s leave that alone for now. “Or soon I’ll be as bitter as June, I am too young for this. I’m only 23 for god’s sake I have to live happily!”

“Yah! I am...”

“Yah? Are you saying ‘yah’ to whom?”

 

I stared at him remembering that he was just the fucking maknae there.

 

“Whatever.” He looked away not worried about being scolded, kind of too busy admiring himself on his phone’s screen.

“What is the big deal with you, kid?” I pointed out as he stopped to check his looks for the fifth time.

“Yun hyung is coming with his girlfriend and she is bringing that noona friend of hers. The cute one that hates half of the world.” The smile on his lips became bigger as he talked about _that Noona_. “She is so so so cool!”

“Nice.” The sarcasm filling up that single word was really evident. “Now all the couples will get together, do couple’s stuff and I will be like, the third whee… no, wait, four, five, six… oh, hell no.” I got up with indignation. “I won’t be the damn seventh wheel. I am getting out now.”

“Uh, what? No, Jiwon. Stay” Jinhwan Hyung grabbed my hand before I actually left. “Here we are all friends, aren’t we? Please, stay! It’s been such a long time since we all hung out together.” It is hard to say no to a begging Kim Jinhwan. “We won’t make out or do stuff like that, just stay and spend some time with us.” 

“Won't we?” Hanbin asked about that ‘we won’t make out’ kind of disappointed, receiving a little slap from the older one. And I could not stop myself from laugh. “I was just kidding, Jinan.Calm down, I was just making this jerk give us one smile.”

“Come here, Jiwon. Sit and tell us what is wrong.”

“Well, he was thrown away by the guy that he thought was the one. Everyone already knows that, so why keep asking him? You guys should have a little more of consideration for your friend.” June said as if it was the most normal thing to say in a situation like that. “But just saying, guys.”

 

Really, Koo Junhoe, how can someone like you exist? Sometimes the idea of punching him is hard to keep as just an idea. Because I do not know if I was more offended by the way he described how harshly I got dumped or for his reference of _your friend_ as if I was not his damn friend too. June just have friends when he needs. That little brat.

 

“Saying that he was thrown away it isn't a nice way to support your friend, is it?” Hanbin replied back.

“But he really was.” He said as if he had just being wronged.

“How about we talk about something else that isn't the thrown away Kim Jiwon? Thank you, it is really nice from you all.” I broke down over the balcony again. My life is so sad that seems a little bit unfair. “Hyung, did you make some coffee? Turned out that I wasn’t able to stop at the bakery at all.” I mumbled the last part to me saving myself from telling them more about my newest disscution with Donghyuk.

“Actually.” Hanbin interroped, with a strange look drawn on his eyes, without letting Jinhwan give me a answer. “My coffee machine disappeared a long time ago, I totally forgot about it.”

“If you had told me this early, I wouldn't had thrown Donghyuk’s away.” I answered.

“What?! That boy doesn't even have one… no, for goodness's sake, no!” B.I spoke quickly without finishing his thoughts, while his eyes seemed to be a little hopeless looking for something in that small kitchen. “Yah! That kid asked me for the coffee machine! So I lent it...”

“Donghyuk doesn't even drink coffee.” Jinhwan gave a stare to Hanbin, who seemed to not pay attention in anything except the fact that he had found his most prized possession after a long time just to lose it forever. “You’re speaking nonsense.”

“It was my parent’s!” Still exalted, he said. “And I bet it has everything to do with you, Kim Jiwon.” He pointed at me. “You and your coffee addiction’s fault.”

 

So, yeah, after all the coffee machine was not Donghyuk’s.

 

The rest of the evening, thankfully, I was able to turn off any thought related to that little brat who was not giving a shit about whatever we had one day. The other boys filled my mind with really bad jokes that would make anyone cry. However they were trying so hard to improve my bad mood, and maybe since those jokes were so lame I kind of ended up laughing out loud. Mostly because they were so proud of those super-duper funny phrases.

And not much later Yun hyung arrived with the two girls, and the atmosphere became lighter. The silly dances started right away since noona was still playing the music in her cellphone – probably because Yun’s radio had not been fixed yet – when she entered the house. Everyone was laughing, having loud conversations about nonsense while others were in the kitchen making some popcorn. It was becaming a pretty nice time between seven friends.

We decided to watch a movie as we always do. And I think there was not one person in that house who had not seen that movie at least three times, since it is the only one that Hanbin has at home. It turned into a sort of tradition of ours, lame but still a tradition. And each of them was behaving as if there was not such a thing as couples, for my sake. For once, it was easier to put all behind.

It was three love-dovey couples and Kim Jiwon thrown in between all that endless love. And besides this tiny sad detail I was surprisingly ok with the situation instead of feeling left out, because they were my friends. Even if the attention that they were giving me was not something really big it was enough to keep my mind busy and away from thoughts of Kim Donghyuk.

Of course all those affections in front of my eyes were making me sick. Making me miss that kid like crazy, but at least I was not alone lying miserably on my bed remembering past times as some kind of medicine for the pain in my chest and ending up giving myself bigger scars. I was just okay, living like a normal person, breathing like a normal person, interacting like a normal person and not as a broken one. I was perfectly normal.

 

 

2014.11.20

 

 

It was past eight o'clock when I passed, for the second time that night, near the narrow alley at the side of the small grocery store. I was on my way back home with a bag in my hands. The wind blowing against every possible place with exposed skin was freezing like no other day from the past month. My two jackets did not seem to be enough to fight the low temperature. And as result, there were just a couple of people out of home at that time, due to the bad winter or the increase on numbers of assaults lately. But my fridge was as empty as my stomach, and for my luck, the grocery store was not that far from my apartment, so it would not take me a lot of time, just some minutes if I did not get distracted.

The alley which I mentioned before is a small alleyway that the distribution truck usually used to unload all the food and other products. It never was very illuminated, but that night particularly the darkness was filling completely the space, not even a single lamp – those ones that normally would be there flashing again and again lighting up the dustbin – now worked. Only the brightness of the moon seemed to be able to lighten the atmosphere there, brightening some points. And I would just go forehead on my way if the unfamiliar sound of something like a crying had not got into my ears.

All around was totally desert, consequently really quiet and like this I could hear someone struggling in some way. It was almost impossible to ignore that low begging for help, something inside me just wanted to stay there and get involved, rescue whoever it was. That is why I kept noiseless trying to figure out what was really happening and what I could do, but the view of there figures up and one powerless on the floor did not give me much time to think.

My eyes were getting used to that drakness, letting me distinguish easier one of another. Those shadows were from three guys, and two of them were cleary bigger than the blonde one bleeding on the ground trying to protect himself. Actually I think they were taller than me too, so I did not have any thought of beating them, however I had to end up that unfair fight somehow  and then give them the same speech Jinhwan hyung always repeat to us about how violence do not fix anything.

And did not impressed me how they respond to my words, or better saying, how they just fucking ignored everything I said. Those boys just kept on kicking even more the other one as if I was not there and saying _adjussi, just go away_ to me _._ So, I did not have other choice than stop them with some punches. The two biggers fell down hard on the floor when the blonde one made they tripped on his foot after I had beaten them. The third one and smallest just observed everything happening without doing nothing, he took a step back and stared with fear at me while I was helping the kid who they were given wounds. I should not forget to thanks God later, because I am not the badass kind, I was lucky, for sure, very lucky.

I helped the kid get up and keep up with him until the hospital, so a doctor could give him something to soften his pain and nurse his wounds.  The boy did not say a word during all the way, maybe saying just some _you don’t have to go with me_ , which I respond with a _don’t worry_ every time. After this I really could not pay much attention, because I was kind of busy thinking about all the shopping I would have to do again.

 

“Aish.” I let it scape thinking about the trouble I would have. I should just order chicken and go to the grocery story tomorrow.

 

We entered the illuminated place passing through the large doors made on glass. And that strong smell of medicine mixed with blood and despair hit me as soon as I was inside, making me cringe. I really hate hospital, doctors, nurses and anything from this gender. I can not help but think about death and disease every time I step on some emergency room.

I followed as it was saying on the boards untill the reception, always looking after that kid, observing if he could keep going and it was just sad, his body looking weak and fragile along with sighes of pain.  He did not even have the strength to move his lips, so I took the front and explained everything the way I saw happening. She did not seem to be able to say much at first, and just kept that sad gaze towards him. She continued looking at him as if this would help in some way, but the boy besides me was getting smaller and smaller with her staring at him like that, and for some reason that was bothering me.

 

“Do you think it will take long?” I cleared my throat to get her attention.

“I am not so sure, I’m sorry.” She replied politely. “What they did to you this time?” With disbelief and pity eyes the receptionist was finally able to say something about his current state. “This time I won’t let you go away with an excuse that was just a joke between buddies.”

 

After hearing those words he looked down and seemed like he would not be capable to look neither at me nor the old woman anymore. At that instant with the trembling fingers holding onto his jacket and hiding his tears even from himself, I could see how breakable he was, and I felt strange about it. I wanted to know more about him, something that did not happened in a long time.

 

“I know that you aren’t related to Hadon.” so that is his name, I thought. “But can you wait with him until the doctor call for him?” She asked me and when I hesited to give her a reply she begged with a look.

“There is... no need.” I could barely hear his voice.

“No problem, I’ll stay.” I said with a smile and stopped Hadon from trying to say some more words, because every time he manage to tell me something he always end up with his hand above the cut on his lips.

“Thank you.” She was grateful, while Hadon was still trying to exempt me from the obligation of stay. “This little boy can’t take care of himself. Someone always bring him here and he always run away before it’s his turn to see the doctor.”

 

I stared surprised at the boy next to me. He eyed the tiles on the floor did not feeling like talking about it at all and I was not somedy close enough to question what he does with his life, but I could not help but feel kind of bothered with him dealing things like this. He is young and in some way really pretty, and for some really questionable reason he did not take care of himself.

I helped him walk to the waiting chairs always listening one or other low complaint here and there. I could not know what was going on inside his head, because he particulary did not leave much space for questions being asked. But in that short time by his side, I learned at least one thing, he was not the predictable kind one. Who in their right mind would not want to nurse all those wounds and cuts, clearly it was not a problem with pain or be scared of getting some stitches, all this uneasiness was due to something bigger than that. Who would not want to treat deep cuts like those? I was getting curious.

I gave up on trying some kind of conversation with him, since he limited himself to just answer me with the basic, the only reply that I got with more than three words was _I’m eighteen years old, I just wanna turn into nineteen and do whatever I want and the way I want_ , it was a really big step between we two. By the look on his eyes and his expression I could see a side that he had not showed yet, his gaze changed from innocent hurt kid to an angry and not too nice boy.

I was a little astonished and that transformation was really instigating me, I wanted to know more and more about him. But it was clear that he was not feeling like telling his personal life to a complete strange, so I just kept my curiosity to myself while from time to time I stared at him making sure that he was still alive. I settled down a little bit more confortable on the seat and waited paciently the time pass, however it was like the longer we waited more seemed to take for someone leave the emergency room.  Does not matter how many people got in and got out those four rooms, never is time to hear Hadon’s name being called, and this was driving me crazy, mainly due to all his low groans of pain.

Aren’t they seeing that the boy was almost dying here?

 

“Will it take too long to be his turn?” I questioned as soon as I reached the balcony again where the woman was eating behind it.

“I am sure the doctors are doing their best, but in winters like this people get really lonely, actually, I don’t know what happen to them, but in times like this they just lost the spirit for living.” She talked as if she was really tired of patient like those. “But if you need to go, you can go, I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“No, it isn’t like that.” I protested. “This isn’t the problem.” I denied. “The problem is that he’s in pain. A lot of pain.” I emphasized. “I think he isn’t even breathing well. Can’t you do anything to help him?”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Aish.” I bitched trying to think about a way to make the doctor see him faster. “But you have to understand.” I said with a heartbroken voice. “Look at hi-… where the hell is he?” I realized he was missing as soon as I turned back to point at him and only find his empty seat.

 

A desperation feeling grew inside of me, leaving me uneasy. I moved my eyes around the room looking for Hadon's fragile body. That kid really did want to run away when he can barely walk without help? He is really stubborn, I did not needed much more to notice that. I ran out through the big hall and waiting room leaving the woman speaking to herself, yes I saw how she was fucking going to keep her eyes on him, my butt.

I stared at every single face there, hoping to find a familiar one, but it seemed that he was not anywhere there. So, I tried going a little bit more far away, like the hallway, and one more time not even a trace of him. I did not even take that long talking to the receptionist, so he could have gone that far. Knowing that he had not have enough time to leave the building I came back to the waiting room and it was when I found him getting out of the bathroom. One hand was attached to the wall giving him a little of support and the other was pressing his stomach as if it would turn off the pain or let it more painless, maybe. And like this he was walking almost falling over on the floor.

 

“How can you walk away without telling me first?” He expressed be surprised, maybe as a reflection of my unexpected excessiveworry. “If you didn't realize, since the moment I helped you I became responsible for you. I ran until the park looking for you.” I immediately put his arm on my shoulder and hold him on the hips, lighting his weight from his foot.

“I’m sorry.” Again I could barely hear that apology. It was hurting on me. “I didn't tho...”

“It’s okay, you didn't get hurt, I mean, more hurt, did you?” I interrupted him, because it was hard to see him trying so hard to speak and he just agreed shaking his head. “So, it’s everything good.” I looked at him and smiled. “Let's just wait they call your name.”

 

With our bodies together, my right hand sort of holding his arm that was passing behind my neck and my left one on his hips, we started walking and he thanked me with that one simple smile of his, causing something strange inside my stomach. I laughed at his awkward expression he got trying to give me a small smile as thankfulness. And he laughed along with me, almost crying right after due to the pain, which seemed to never soften even a little bit. I helped him to sit again, and then did the same.

I could say that we were getting closer considering that until hours ago we were just complete strangers to each other, but yet we kept it simple and silent. He was still in pain and I did not have much to share with him, so I turned my attention to the others on that waiting room and my mouth opened, becoming three times bigger in disbelief.

My chin was almost on the floor when I saw Donghyuk right over there. I did not know if I was just being delusional and imaging such a thing. I imagined this so many times now that I could not be sure about what was happening, however by that fuss inside my stomach as soon as my eyes matched his, I knew that it really was him. I got goosebumps only for realizing that we met one more time at a place that I would never ever be in a normal day. One thing took to another and simply like that we bumped into each other. Destiny really does not play on job.

He did not neither stop nor come greet me. He actually walked straight to the reception’s balcony and from there when he was not so close like he was seconds ago, he just bowled at her, but gave me the impression that it was for me too, and then disappeared. I wanted run after him and be pathetic again, however I thought about how messed up I would end up. I cannot handle his words, not again, not right now.

So I stayed there looking to the direction he went and my brain started the monologue with a lot of _what the hell_ , _what if_ and _maybe_. As always Donghyuk was the one occuping my mind. After all, what the fuck that fucking smile means?  He had measured Hadon from head to toes and then just as the easiest thing in the world, he smiled. Is he happy that I moved on? Is that what he thought? That I was able to let him go? Even if this was true and I was able to forget our past, how can he accept this just like that?

           

“Do you know him?” The words coming from somewhere near me seemed to be farther than it really was.

 

And I almost forgot to give Hadon an answer, because I was just having a mental breakdown.

 

“My ex.” I replied without being able to take my eyes off from the direction Donghyuk had gone.  

“He's always here.” He said. Maybe Donghyuk managed to get the internship he wanted so much. “And I never saw him smile to anyone. Even if he’s with someone he doesn’t show any expression.”

“He wasn’t like that. He changed and then broke up with me. And then I changed.”

“He doesn’t seem to have changed his feelings for you. Didn’t you see the easy-going way he just smiled at you?” Still, his voice was not much different from a whisper and it was so easy to see him trying to hide his pain while carrying that conversation. “It isn’t everyone who smiles at me, it’s always pity or disgusted eyes, so I can't help but appreciate every smile I see others receive. Pathetic, uh, I know.” He gave a slight laugh. “So, execuse me, but yes, I do understand about smiles. And that one was in happiness to see you.”

“It has been such a long time since I saw him.” I was kind of trapped on my own thoughts, so it was getting hard and harder to keep and give all my attention to Hadon like I was pretending to do. “He must be less concerned for seeing me with another person. Maybe this time he was able to smile because he thought that I won't keep living miserable like I was doing, he wouldn't be responsible for my sucked life. Finally he didn't look at me with pity eyes.”

 

Oh, that smile was like a pounch on my stomach.

 

“Look, everything always happen for a reason, sometimes not a reason as good as you expect, but always good enough for this one person do what they did.” I looked into his eyes trying to understand how someone so innocent like him could be saying such deep things. “Do I know what happened between you two? Of course, I don't, but one thing I know, he still love you and I know that you know that too.”

 

It is easier to just say that Choi Hadon, that little kid, was completely wrong and even insane for saying something so crazy like that. Because accept all those affirmations involves so much more things, like me going back to the stage zero where I try to find some excuse for all that Donghyuk has being doing, a reason for why he has been acting like asshole as if nothing ever happened between us. And by far that isn not a good place for me.

 

“So you know how to read everyone's hearts?” I joked.

“I'm not kidding, okay?” He spoke up, better saying, he whined at me and that did not match well with his grown up man side I got to known.             “I just pay attention to people, it isn't that hard, by the way. Just look into their iris and beyond. People try to hide, but if you look truly, you'll find all that you wanna know. I'm not really the sociable kind, so I have plenty of time to observe the details of the world.”

 

He was saying that he was not the type to open up to anyone, but there he was talking more than he needed to.

 

“My mom married again after my father left us. And I can't help but think sometimes that I am just a result of a bad relationship, since she was never caring or maternal. And maybe because of that my stepfather doesn't see why he should be good to me. But I really don't care about it. It has been ages since I stopped needing their affection.” He was looking at his own fingers moving randomly playfully. “But then, there's my step-brother.” He groaned worn out, as if he was tired of think about him. “He's the one you punched right in the middle of his face.” He smiled.

“That jerk is your brother?” He hesitated before answer in silent just with a move of a head.

“And do you wanna know why I don't ever have to think twice before running away from the hospital?”

“Because you're stupid, maybe.” I scolded him.

“Save your speech, it won't change anything. I don't do this because I am some masochist type or something as bad as this, but because my step-brother and his friends almost don't leave me much choice. They always beat me again right after I get better, so I chose to stay the way they left me, over to get better and prepared for another round of injuries…”

 

And when he finished his story with that explanation I did not know what to say, since every attempt of reorganizing all that was said, just end up with my soul burning with rage. I just had sympathized with that crying baby. And after hearing his story I realized he was everything but a crying kid. It is a really sad life, and thinking about it I do not know how I would keep the days without collapse in some way bad, really bad.

 

“I never tried suicide.” He had said too. “I haven’t decided if I’m not a coward for not doing that and just living with all this, or if I’m a coward for not being able to let go of my life.” He got me by surprised and it was plainly expressed on my face. “I already thought about just end this, because sometime I just can’t handle.” Hadon confided me. “But as I think about giving up on everything, the only thing that comes to my mind is that I have so much more to do...You know, I don’t have anyone in special to live for, so I decided to live for myself for now.”

 

 He is just a eighteen year old kid, and already was thinking bigger than I ever did. I was really amazed by him.

More than just being a good ear for him, I wanted to say something cool, something that he could remember when stuffs get really hard, but I was not able to say even one word, besides just smile, I could not take off the proud smile I had on my lips because of someone that I had just met. This was insane.

 

“You know.” He started. “I really don't expect you to say something. Sometimes it's just as good to just be heard as to hear some pretty words. Sometimes people just need to say something and don't be replied, don't be attached to what other people think about it, just know that someone heard your story and agree with whatever you think.”

“I never met someone like you before.” The words finally made through my throat and abandoned my lips, not the ones I was looking for, but the ones I really wanted to say since the beginning.

“As messed up as I am?” He laughed.

“No.” I told him. “Someone as amazing as you.” I forgot about Kim Donghyuk for some seconds, so that confession could have all the sincerity that I wanted to show him.

 

His eyes met mine for the first time with some mix of awkwardness and anxiety, none of us wanted or seemed to be able of breaking that visual contact. And in that short instant seemed easy to forget about a boy named Kim Donghyuk that one day I promised all my heart.

 

“Hadon.” We finally heard his name being called. “It’s your turn, sweet.”

“Look, save this two phone's number.” I gave him a piece of paper.” This one on the top is mine and the other is from my friend Koo Junhoe, he's a good fighter. Any trouble you call me, okay?” He bowed, thanking without much words. “And thanks.” I said afterwards.

“For what? I should be the one thanking, actualy.”

“For didn’t run away like you normaly do. Please, take care.”

 


End file.
